So why was this death so important? How come it hit me in the balls? It was more of a smack to the back of the head. It got my brain out of this dumb state of mind. I let my guard down for a few months and got stupid. I prioritized other things that I really shouldn't have. Death has a funny way of being that nagging parent that gets our head out of the clouds and checks us into the boards called reality. Death will always happen, but celebrating ones death doesn't always happen. It was ironic that Alex choose to have people celebrate his life. My dad did the exact same thing. When my dad died we did the whole celebrating life. Because thats who my dad was. He always said don't mourn my death-- celebrate my life. We did just that. We had the brief memorial service but then the next day we had a BBQ and jammed to a lot of his favorite music, which coincidentally enough is some of my favorite music.
It sucks to lose a friend. I don't wish it on anyone. Sometimes tho, I 2nd guess how sensitive I can be. When I speak to people who lose loved ones I simply say they'll need time to help them out. Aside from that I never know what to say because I instantly think of how I felt when my old man passed away and not a word in the english language could help me out. I felt cheated, and wronged. At that point in my life I grabbed the bull by the balls and made some huge changes and really wanted to do work that I could look back on and say that I didn't waste my life.
With Alex's passing I've had the same revival. I have this phobia of being plain and boring. It's hard to explain because I observe a lot of people who settle and beg for contentment. I'm awful at begging for anything and being content is probably something I'll never know how to be. Do people truthfully want to look back and say they spent 30 years doing the same thing? Is my attention span that horrid that I can't even stomach doing the same job for that long? Filming never gets boring for me but maybe thats what I have to keep doing in life.
I realized that I have to dive head first into a pool of opportunity. I bitch and moan a lot about the negative side to the internet but now is the time to stomp my foot print into this world. It took Alex's death to remind me of this because in an instant I could be dead. I guess we all run the risk of dying but mortality never sinks in until death knocks on someone else's door and rips them from the world.
I've lost a handful of people in life, which I credit to why I do the things I do. Mortality mixed with fear of being ordinary is what has fueled my passion for at least 5 years. I suggest people try something new. Toss the security blanket aside and make a change. Many of the people I went to high school with really fucking hunkered down into the safe route. Are they all successful? Eh that depends on how you measure success. A majority of them were born into success. Many of them have well-to-do parents who toss them that lifesaver called opportunity.
Not only did I not have those resources but I still took chances. Its not easy but I also take the blame for not being able to pay off my student loans, and for not being wealthy and for not being successful. I'll look into the mirror. As I mention that I'm reminded of my friend, Matthew Aaron, who wrote a letter to Katie Couric. In this well written letter he spit fire about the current generations lack of accountability. It was brilliant. Matt has had his fair share of demons, which I've lived thru. I was there when he was drunk and on drugs, I was there when he cleaned up and I'm here today to see him still act like the same guy who would chain smoke cigs at Dennys as we bitched and gossiped about the entertainment industry.
I don't always do this, but again I urge readers to examine themselves. Really dive deep into who you are and ask yourself if by the time you're an old fuck, would you be happy with the life you lived. Because there's no do overs. This isn't some stupid video game, this is life--and it happens once. The only reason I ask this is because it's something I've done and I imagine that people would find new challenges and ways to improve upon themselves. It burns to realize that death is the constant ass kick we need to know how amazing life is. What the fuck? It annoys me that even I fall victim of forgetting how precious life is.
I was reminded last week. With that I've gone forward, I secured equipment to shoot my documentary. I've found an editor who wants to edit my book and a publisher who will read it. Speaking of reading I have to share this guilty pleasure. Google allows me to see where in the world people are who read this. Last entry I had readers from over 6 different countries. Call me humbled and I'll call you back.
Thank you.
